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I know that my awareness of the risk of recurrence is a little bit of armour. Informed by a growing file of peer-reviewed journal articles and familiarity with Kaplan-Meier overall survival graphs, I am still frustrated by the lack of specificity. If, or when, cancer reoccurs, I imagine I will be angry, sad, and disoriented, but I won’t be blindsided. The return of cancer will be much easier for me to rationalize than the original diagnosis.

So what do I do with all this? What do fellow paddlers do with this? I have no good advice for anyone else with recurrence on the brain. It can be a deep dark hole that is hard to climb out of once you fall in. Or it can be a place that you never acknowledge exists. For me, the hovering presence of recurrence is a reminder to live a little faster and live a little more deliberately.

Author’s note: This blog was written prior to COVID-19, and published in 2020 while the world is in a pandemic. Measures that are currently in place to control the spread of the virus are negatively impacting KAB members’ treatments, appointments and healthy living routines. Even under these exceptional circumstances and new health concerns, thoughts of recurrence still linger. All the more reason to connect with others, have authentic conversations and find joy in every day.